The Real Secret to Using On-line Dating

Astonished gorgeous woman working with her notebook

It’s Saturday night around 11:30 and I’ve been telling Carol about the time I visited Nepal while on break from Harvard Medical School. I was telling Leslie how much I excel at skiing the steeps in the Chugach mountain range and Sharon and I were engaged in a long discussion about our favorite restaurants in Tuscany. All from the comfort of my living room.

I haven’t been on a date in over five years; ever since my wife left me for the Bowflex repairman. So, it’s easy to understand why I’ve so grown comfortable with sidling up to women through Match.com, Great-Expectations.com, WaaaayOverThirtySingles.com, and Plentyof Fish.com – while wallowing in the safety that only deception and miles of distance can provide. But recently, I’ve started to grow suspicious of the women I’ve been meeting after reading their on-line profiles. They all seem to sound suspiciously the same.

So, after more than 45 minutes of exhaustive research, I came up with an interpretive approach for anyone hoping to find “Mr. or Ms. Right” over their wireless network.

Your first step when touring on-line dating sites should be to throw out any precept of honesty; this is hardcore self -aggrandizement at its finest. This is obviously not for people watching their sodium intake. You have to take everything you read with a grain of salt. Make that a salt mine.

Avoid anyone who goes by fascinating login names like “MountainGirl,” “MrFit,” “SexyBlonde,” “WorldTraveler,” “Love2Ski” or “Luv2HaveFun.” These are handles of people who live in the slums, spend all day on the couch and haven’t laughed since the Nixon administration.

Be careful of the pictures that people post. No one, no matter who they are, is going to use any photo of them that’s less than 10 years old. Dead giveaways of bogus photos are suspicious backgrounds like the first flight at Kitty Hawk or the Korean War. You’ll never see any photos that show what the person is really about, either. If people were really truthful with their on-line profiles, instead of posting snapshots of themselves dancing the night away on a cruise ship in the Bahamas, they’d post photos of themselves scratching their butt in a pair of stained underwear, while dragging around a half-eaten bag of Doritos.

About Me
Now we come to the section called, “About Me…” The About Me section is meant to briefly sum up your love interest’s like, dislikes and accomplishments. The problem is, everyone lies. No one is going to admit that they’ve been working in the same windowless cubicle for over 35 years and still lives with their parents.  So, to help get to the truth, I’ve compiled a handy translation guide to interpret what your web mate is saying and what they really mean:

What the profiles say

 

What they really mean

  • I am fun and energetic.
  • I’m immature and can’t focus on anything for more than 3 minutes.
  • I have a great sense of humor and love to laugh.
  • When I’m taking my anti-depressants, I can find simple ways to amuse myself.
  • I enjoy skiing, hiking, walking my dog, buttered popcorn at the movies, renting DVDs, listening to live music, dancing and reality TV.
  • I like hanging around bars in ski lodges, picking up the poop that my mutt has left behind, stuffing my face with junk food, vegging out with DVD rentals, carousing at sleazy piano bars and laying comatose in front of just about anything that’s on TV.
  • I’ve been around the block.
  • I’m tired, old and my skin hangs off just about every part of my body.
  • I enjoy good food and wine.
  • I wouldn’t know gourmet food if you threw it at me and I’ve never drank from a bottle that didn’t have a screw top.
  • At this time, I am self-employed.
  • Nobody can stand to work with me.
  • I’m not into money.
  • I haven’t had anything in my bank account since my Bar Mitzvah.
  • I am someone that likes adventure and having fun but also loves being home.
  • My idea of a good time is dodging bill collectors and peeking out of my bedroom window to make sure they don’t repossess my car.
  • I’m very active and always into new challenges and living life to its fullest.
  • I’m a neurotic, agitated loser who’s always looking for a scam or a shortcut to riches.
  • I am not your typical mate.
  • I’ve never gotten past a first date. Ever.
  • I have an entertaining personality.
  • I have a lot of undiagnosed nervous ticks, twitches and mannerisms.
  • In my spare time, I enjoy being with my family and friends.
  • I live at home with my parents, three aunts, their eight step children and 10 cats. They’re the only ones who will have me.
  • I am a true romantic who is waiting to meet the person of their dreams.
  • I’m a dreamer who spends all of their spare time surfing porn sites.
  • My mother is Dutch and my biological father is from Mexico.
  • My mother was a hooker from Amsterdam who was knocked up by a merchant marine while on shore leave in Tijuana.

The Search…
The logical starting point for finding your mate is to make your search criteria as similar to yourself as you can. Most on-line daters start with a search radius of 20 or 30 miles within their own zip code. For compatibility sake, they’ll shoot for an age spread of 5 to 10 years on either side of their own age and throw in a few sizzling keywords like “hot,” “sexy” or “athletic” just for good measure. I’ve never had any luck with this type of approach. Instead, I’ll throw the net out a little wider and include all women between the ages of 15 and 85, locales that include Afghanistan, the Far East and the more remote parts of the Ukraine.

Once you finally find a few unsuspecting victims to snag, most dating services have a number of anonymous methods of contacting your prospects. The first is the wink. A wink is a safe way of showing someone you’re interested without suffering any embarrassing repercussions; sort of like tossing a dead tuna off the stern to see if you can lure a shark into the boat.

The second tool at your disposal is the anonymous email. Since most on-line dating services routinely filter emails between clients, you’re not allowed to send them your real email address. Instead, every now and again, you’ll get a nice little note in your inbox that says something like, “You’ve got a new message from Blonde4U; Subject: Leave Me Alone or I’ll Get a Restraining Order!”

About My Life…

If you’re not turned off by now, you’ve got one more, handy tool to use: the “About My Life” summary. If you were to reduce your entire life into a single paragraph, it would look something like this:

Hair: Lots of it growing on my back
Eyes: Bloodshot
Best feature: Love handles
Body art: Tons of tattoos
Sports and exercise: Mutton busting, throwing rocks at cars, arm wrestling, tossing the boomerang, spraying graffiti on underpasses, log rolling, jousting, tug of war, holding my breath
Exercise habits: Only out of necessity
Daily diet: Anything that I don’t have to make myself
Interests: Smoking cigarettes, recreational drug use, tattoos, body piercing, burglary, discovering new porn sites
Education: Left school after the 3rd grade
Occupation: Unemployed
Income: An allowance from my mother
Languages: Some English, Tagalog, fluent Yiddish
Sign: Stop
My place: Or yours?
Pets I have: Pythons (12)
Pets I like: Various reptiles, fleas, maggots, gerbils, pit bulls

So, you see, there’s no excuse to be alone these days. Not as long as you have a computer. So fire up your PC, stretch out in front of a roaring fire with a can of beer and your keyboard and get ready to meet Mr. or Ms. Right! They’re out there waiting for you.

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