This started out as a bad year. In less than 6 months, I lost my job, condominium, car and girlfriend. Even the cat packed up her litter box and left. When my parents heard the bad news, they immediately snapped into action: they fled to Boca Raton and dropped me from their Christmas card list. The exodus continued with all of my aunts, uncles, nieces and nephews and my one remaining frat brother. Then it hit me. Friends and relatives are just things. Things you can rent.
After the devastation settled in, I made up my mind that I was never going to own friends or family again. If I couldn’t rent someone, I didn’t need them. The following Monday, I began rebuilding my life.
I knew the first thing I’d need was a girlfriend. Someone to share the essence of life –holding hands and laughing while we skipped along the beach, picking up my dirty laundry, doing the vacuuming, cooking, and cleaning the bathroom in my pathetic little studio apartment. Maybe even someone to argue with when the urge moves me. So, I went directly to Rent-a-Friend.com.
There are a number of companies that rent girlfriends to life-long bachelors, philandering husbands or anyone else who wants all the benefits of saying “I do” with none of the commitments of uttering “I will.” I looked into Rent-a-Friend.com because they were an international firm with a reputation for providing wholesome family values to men and women from all walks of life. I was also attracted to Rent-a-Friend because you can choose a woman who shares your interests. From rock climbing to going to football games, getting sloshed at night clubs, engaging in phone sex – all the things my last girlfriend never wanted to do. They’ll even lie to your parole officer if you ask them.
Another advantage of renting a girlfriend from Rent-a-Friend was having offices in 42 countries around the world. Why should I pay for two airline tickets, extra baggage and everything else that goes along with vacationing with your girlfriend, when I can have a stand-in waiting for me at my destination? I’ll save a bundle.
In addition to my rented girlfriend, I occasionally find myself in the position of needing a gorgeous woman to accompany me to upscale events like the Academy Awards. What to do? That’s where Al Lampkin Entertainment comes in. Al Lampkin Entertainment is in the business of renting celebrities to nobodies like me for the evening. For a mere $1,000,000, I can be seen hanging out with Annie Lennox, Carrie Underwood, Chaka Khan, Britney Spears or Hillary Duff. And when I really want to get people talking around the water cooler, I opt for the additional obnoxious entourage of paparazzi, complete with blinding flashes and teen-age girls jumping up down, screaming for my autograph.
Once I settled in with my rental girlfriend, I thought it would be fun to have an open house so that my friends could see my new digs. The only problem was I didn’t have any. Fortunately, not having any friends or relatives isn’t a problem these days – just rent them.
I went back to Rent-a-Friend and spoke with Charmaine about my situation. “Rent-a-Friend has packages for everyone, ranging from the small nuclear family to the large brood with dozens of grandkids,” said Charmaine. She suggested that since I was starting over with a cheap rented apartment, I begin with the Basic Family Sampler. “The Basic Family Sampler consists of a slightly alcoholic father, a Jewish mother puffed up on Botox, a sister in therapy and two senile grandparents – all for only $499 a month.” She was even nice enough to throw in a teen-age daughter who hated me, for free. “Additional brothers and sisters are available with 3 hour minimums. Mothers-in-law, chain-smoking aunts and obnoxious next door neighbors can also be rented by the hour, day or week. And, everything you spend on rental fees goes towards purchasing them, should you wish to do so.” I don’t know why I’d want to do something like that.
Since it had been so long since I had anything that resembled a normal conversation within a cohesive family, Charmaine suggested that I start with the 900-Minute Plan. “The 900-Minute Plan let’s you spend up to 900 minutes a month conversing with any members of your rented family,” said Charmaine. “After 9:00 PM, you can talk to each other for free. Conversations on the weekend are unlimited and any minutes you don’t use, roll over to the next month.”
Three months after my new family settled in, my daughter Beatrice announced at the dinner table that she was 3 months pregnant and had to get married. “Great,” I said. “Another monthly rental to feed.” The first thing I did was complain to Charmaine about renting me a defective daughter. “Technically, Beatrice’s pregnancy isn’t a defect,” she said. “It happens to lots of 16 year old girls who ride with the Hells Angels.” She insisted that I’d have to rent Beatrice, her baby and her old man as a set. She couldn’t split them up.
It’s been five years since I’ve started my new rented life. I’m ecstatic. With the money I’m saving by not having to pay condominium association dues, property taxes, car payments or supporting real friends and relatives, I can easily afford my rental fees. Add to that all the money I’m saving on birthday presents throughout the year and I’m coming out miles ahead. Thank you Rent-a-Friend!