The End of a Love Affair

depressed-man

Boston, MASS – In a sad epilogue to an earlier published story, Roland Nigland, 33, has filed for divorce from himself citing irreconcilable differences. Readers may recall that Nigland, of Boston, Massachusetts became the first person to publicly profess his love for himself in what was believed to be the first same-person marriage on record.

“I honestly don’t know what happened,” said Nigland. “I was so much in love with myself. After the wedding, I set up house in a renovated Beacon Hill apartment, found a new job and made plans to start a family. All the usual stuff. But then, just as quickly, things began to fall apart.”

After only 18 months of marriage, Nigland began noticing that he stopped communicating with himself. “I used to love to walk along the beach holding my hand in mine, reminiscing about all of the good times I had,” said Nigland. “I’d stay up half the night caressing myself, laughing and giggling like a teenager. I even talked about raising a little Nigland or two. But suddenly, I stopped sharing intimate secrets with myself. Sex became more and more infrequent and there were the calls from a mysterious stranger who would hang up as soon as I answered the telephone. I began to suspect that I might be having an affair, so I hired a private investigator.”

“He was pretty distraught when he first contacted me,” said Elwood Leggette, Private Investigator with Kanari, Shefer and Mordechai Investigation Services. “Mr. Nigland told me that he suspected he was having an affair with himself. He complained of late nights at the office, Chapstick stains on his collar and a declining sex drive at home. It seemed pretty clear to me that he was onto something.”

After three months of tailing Nigland, Leggette was unable to catch him in the throws of another lover. “I followed him to and from the office, out to dinner and to the movies. The only person I saw him with was himself. He didn’t even seem to have any friends. So, we decided to terminate the investigation.”

As Nigland continued to struggle through his turbulent marriage, he contacted Father Erasmo Floore, his pastor at Saint Filberto Bakalars Parish. “Roland came to me seeking advice on how he could salvage his marriage,” said Floore. “Roland knew from the start that marrying himself wasn’t going to be easy. After all, at the time there was quite a stigma to marrying oneself. It’s not like it is today. But he seemed committed to making it work.”

Father Floore recommended that Nigland start weekly counseling sessions with Sister Asuncion Fariello, the parish’s marriage counselor. “Roland wrestled with a number of issues,” said Fariello. “In particular, there were problems with money.” Apparently, Nigland argued with himself over expensive purchases, vacations at the trendy Paranur Gandhi Leprosy Colony and daily visits to Starbucks. It got so bad that he tried setting up separate checking accounts – one for each of him. But even that didn’t work.

Several months later, Nigland began suspecting that he might be having problems with drugs and alcohol. “I was always making excuses to myself for having to run out to the Loaf and Jug in the middle of the night. And, something was draining large sums of money from my bank account.” One evening, Nigland found a half-empty bottle of Manischewitz wine squirreled away in one of his ski boots in the garage. “I confronted myself about the drinking. At first, I denied having a problem, but finally conceded that things had gotten out of hand and agreed to go into therapy.” Nigland thought he had finally made significant progress towards saving his marriage. That is, until the physical abuse began.

One evening during a particularly heated discussion over a duvet cover, Nigland slapped himself across the face. “I just lost it. I couldn’t believe that I would do that to myself. I started crying and locked myself in the bathroom.” The next day, Nigland filed a restraining order against himself. “That was a pretty tough order to fill,” lamented Sergeant Rodney Bolinger of the Boston Police Department. “What the restraining order said was that Mr. Nigland was not allowed to come within 100 yards of himself. We couldn’t figure out how to enforce it.” Three weeks after the order was issued, Nigland called the police complaining that he was in the same house with himself. The police took him away in handcuffs.

After months of failed attempts at reconciliation, Nigland finally filed for divorce. “I pleaded with myself. Let’s try to make things work. Let’s try a legal separation. At one point, I even suggested getting the marriage annulled, but I knew that the Catholic Church would never go for it. After all, I had already consummated the marriage.”

With no prenuptial agreement in place, the divorce looked like it was going to be ugly. Nigland hired two attorneys; one for each side. Thankfully, there were no children from the marriage, so the battle that ensued dealt strictly with the distribution of property. After nearly six months of haggling back and forth, Nigland agreed to the conditions of Nigland. He was to get a generous monthly alimony payment if he agreed to give up his Beacon Hill apartment and the Audi.

“My life is shattered,” confessed Nigland. “I really wanted the marriage to work. After all of those frustrating years of dating women, I thought I had finally found the man for me. It just goes to show that you don’t really know someone until you live with them.”

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