ChimpMingle.com

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Hi ladies. My name is Mr. Herpes. That’s not my real name. ChimpMingle told me to make up a catchy alias for my dating profile that describes something interesting about me, so I went with that. I’m new to this whole online dating thing. I much prefer picking out a female in heat and climbing onto her backside. But, my therapist told me if I ever wanted to make it out of the rainforest and make something out of myself, I’d have to refine my approach to dealing with chimps. That’s why I’m here on ChimpMingle.com.

Now, a little about me. I was born in a remote section of the Kasakela chimpanzee community in the Gombe rainforest. My mother used to call me “Fuzzy” because I was born with a cute little tuft of fur on my rump. I spent my first few years breastfeeding and riding around all day on my mother’s back until I was abducted by Dr. Wolfgang Kohler and spirited off to his laboratory in the United States. He spent the better part of 5 years attempting to teach me International Sign language and how to retrieve a banana off the end of a stick. I was a complete failure. I never learned a thing. I’d respond to all of his coaxing by panting, grunting, jumping up and down and displaying obscene hand gestures the janitor taught me at night.

Disgusted with my lack of progress, Kohler pawned me off to the Cleveland Metroparks Zoo where I lived with several other abandoned chimps in a cheesy human-created habitat that was supposed to resemble a rainforest. We spent our days taunting the gorillas and orangutans next door, digging out our bungholes and throwing feces at passing visitors. After a series of complaints, they sold me to the San Francisco Mime Troupe. We toured the country performing free productions of political satire and skits opposing capitalism and sexism until the Vietnam War ended and I was sent back to the rainforest.

And, now… on to my dating profile.

Dating headline: Burt Reynolds Look-a-like Searching for Love

My job: I’m a certified stick finder for a community of 35 chimps. Long ones, short ones, sticks of all shapes and sizes. We use them to clean out our body cavities, suck termites and ants out of dead logs and occasionally throw them at humans. It’s not very interesting work, but it provides a steady paycheck, two weeks vacation, pretty good healthcare coverage and a 401(k). Once a year they send a few of us to the Gombe rainforest for 3-day seminar in Advanced Stick Methodology. And, let me tell you. It can get pretty wild sometimes. You’ve probably heard the slogan, “What happens in Gombe, stays in Gombe.”

For fun: I spend more than half of my day sleeping and masturbating. When I’m not sacked out in my tree, I enjoy being alone, jumping, running, tumbling and slapping inanimate objects. Living close to the river Zaire, I love to frolic in the water. When I was 6-years-old, my father taught me how to swim and coached me to a silver medal in the 100 meter Butterfly at the 1984 Chimpanzee Junior Olympics.

My ethnicity: I’m pure Pan Troglodyte even though I know for a fact that my mother shacked up with a Bonobo in the Democratic Republic of the Congo during the Summer of Love. My uncle told me she slept around with a bunch of alpha males while she was “trying to find herself,” so it’s entirely possible that I might have been conceived in the back of some ape’s VW bus.

My religion: As a general rule, chimpanzees aren’t particularly religious, so I just pick up whatever’s going around with the local natives. I tried Catholicism for a while, but all that kneeling killed by knees, so I took an online class and converted to Animism. Out in the jungle it’s much more convenient to believe that plants, rocks and trees have souls. It also makes it easier to get a date on the weekend. Plus, I’m drawn toward fetishism. I was once engaged to a water buffalo, but we could never find anything to talk about, so the relationship ended prematurely.

Favorite hot spots: I enjoy hanging out in humid deciduous rainforests, swamplands, grasslands and woodlands. There’s usually a downed gazelle covered in maggots and flies, so there’s never a problem finding something to eat. Unless, of course, it’s been picked over by the lions, then I’ll wander into the camps of clueless American tour groups. By jumping up and down, baring my teeth and screaming at the top of my lungs, I can usually clear out their mess tents in a matter of minutes and help myself to their smoked salmon, oysters, imported wine and chocolate-covered truffles.

Favorite things: I enjoy roaming the forest on the weekends, mounting five or six chimps at a time. One of my favorite pastimes is sitting around a waterfall after I’ve just deflowered a young ape, picking grubs out of her armpits. We’ll spend hours running our fingers through each others’ hair, looking for dirt, dead skin and parasites. I’m also a bit of a gourmet cook, so I spend a lot of time looking for secret places to harvest bark, larvae, eggs, ripe fruit and the occasional small monkey. I’ll chew them all into special wadges for a romantic dinner over candlelight. Then we’ll screw some more.

Last read: Even though I’m a big fan of 18th Century fiction, my favorite books are still those written about primate behavior. My favorites are “My Life with Chimpanzees” by Jane Goodall, “Visions of Caliban: On Chimpanzees and People” by Dale Peterson and “The Chimpanzees of Happytown” by Giles Andrae.

Who I’m looking for: I’m looking for a special chimp (although I’d be willing to settle for the right gorilla or orangutan) with a cute little brow bridge, big ears and an elongated snout that loves to sleep, engages in frequent sex with a variety of partners and is eager to start a large family. A loving, caring knuckle-dragger who loves mutual nonverbal communication, smacking their lips and clacking their teeth. A Pan troglodyte, Paniscus or Bonobo who grunts honestly when offended, laughs when tickled and pisses on me when angry or upset.

My ideal mate would enjoy lolling around the banks of the river Zaire, picking grubs out of the folds in my skin, eating the dead skin on my back and generally pruning me “to make her man look more sexy.” After we start building a clan of our own, she’d accompany me as I forage for fruit, tree bark, seeds and plant bulbs while our little ones hang all over her hairy back, relentlessly fighting for an available nipple.

Are you out there?

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